I have witnessed, both within my own family, in the outside world and in my practice, what can happen in a relationship if there is no common bond that can actually bind a couple together.
Well, let me digress (or maybe, progress) and say a bit about getting together as a couple in the first place: even if there is a strong attraction, be it physical, mental or emotional: Love; That does not seem to be enough to keep a couple together; the body will wither, the mind will change and the emotions will flutter. And love may turn into a dependency or habit. Unless, there is a third entity; the glue that binds the one to the other; the bond that binds, a mutual goal and lifetime commitment to it. A common commitment to a external force or ideal, that is greater than both of you, that is stable and enduring, will see you through the tough times that will inevitably come …
In my opinion, there are two good bonds; children and Religion or a Spiritual Practice (to be more politically correct, or any other proven external disciplinary way of life that both parties agreed to commit to whole-heartedly, abide by, follow and emulate; the goal). With both of these present, the chances are multiplies exponentially. But, even with both of these, there are no garantees.
Without these, there is no common bond; it’s just two people living separate lives together: convenient for a nice meal, some ambience, safe sex, and the occasional meaningful conversation …
So, the intent or lifetime goal of both parties must be the same. Otherwise, both sides will be resentful, because, in any situation, for any important decision, no compromise can satisfy both of the parties, because their primary motivating goals are different; or they have no primary motivating goals and “just don’t feel like it” at the time. And so there is no improvement in the situation and resentments, anger, etc. build; and there is no possibility for a long-term relationship.
Love may sometimes seem to be obscured by a tendency towards negativity, insecurity and fear/anxiety. But this is who the person is at the moment; and they are perfect the way they are.
Love may sometimes seem to be obscured by a tendency towards not wanting to be so depended upon by the other, for their happiness, security and emotional wellbeing. But this is who that person is at the moment; and perfect the way they are.
Much of this may stem from residual family entanglements. Control issues coming from the family of origin may be the cause of some behaviors. Some behaviors may come from family insecurity issues.
There are a few key issues that need to be kept in mind: Trust! Honesty! One must trust the other, as the right hand trusts the left. And one must be honest and trustworthy, inside the relationship and in the world at large as well; trusting yourself, being honest with yourself and trusting your partner and being honest with your partner, and being trustworthy and honest in all your dealings in the world. In other words, your thoughts, speech and actions should always be in line with a clear conscience.
There are times when you will feel rejected or abandoned, based on your perception of the situation. There is usually no reason to feel this way; from the other’s standpoint, it’s not about you, it may be about their family control issues.
At times you may feel that you would appear weak if you give in to the desires of the other. There is no reason to feel weak by giving in: remember the bond that binds; you can show your compassion and accommodation of what may be the other’s family insecurity issues.
Besides the above mentioned, or perhaps, because of the above mentioned, there may be a lack of real compassion and empathy on the part of both parties for each other. To see the world from the other persons heart and to trust the other person, that they are doing the best they can. To see them as perfect, the way they are. (Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that there is no room for improvement.) To realize the person is always more important than any ideology or material object or goal; the relationship comes first.
Perhaps ask; what’s the worst thing that can happen if the worst thing happens. In most cases, upon sober reflection, the answer is; nothing very devastating. Again, the third entity, the bond that binds, the trust in that everything that happens is only good.
There is a need for genuine compassion and complete acceptance of the other as perfect as they are; acknowledgement and acceptance of each others needs and idiosyncrasies and the commitment and willingness to live with them as they are, for as long as they are that way. And how can we come to such a point. History has shown, as do presetn day successful marriages, that there is a bond that binds one love ot the other. This “glue” comes in the form of a “third party”.
The other person; their feelings, hopes, dreams, goals must be your own as well: you are one; heads and tails of the same coin. Essentially, two bodies split off from one soul, one spirit.
It says, “All beginnings are difficult”. And while this may be so, heading in the right direction, with the right foot, for the right reasons, towards the right goal, will ensure that the trip will be worthwhile and pleasant for you and for all of those who love you …
Abraham Bruck is the developer of the Universal Healing Technique and the UHT Lifetime Trauma Resolution Protocol.